With the private eye's help, can Russell find the killer? And even once he does, there are so many other considerations: how to get a weapon in Germany, how to escape without being caught, and what will the neighbors think?
This episode starring:
Josh Callahan, Neil Garguilo, Gillian Bellinger, Michael Klimkowski, David Alfano, Nick Casalini, Muriel Montgomery, and Peter Hoffman Kimball
Email us at Terry@DontMatterMedia.com
Theme Music by Shawn Korkie
Cover Art by Roppuri
A Don't Matter Media Production
www.RussellGetsRevenge.com
facebook.com/RussellGetsRevenge
twitter: @getsrevenge
instagram: @russellgetsrevenge
With the private eye's help, can Russell find the killer? And even once he does, there are so many other considerations: how to get a weapon in Germany, how to escape without being caught, and what will the neighbors think?
This episode starring:
Josh Callahan, Neil Garguilo, Gillian Bellinger, Michael Klimkowski, David Alfano, Nick Casalini, Muriel Montgomery, and Peter Hoffman Kimball
Email us at Terry@DontMatterMedia.com
Theme Music by Shawn Korkie
Cover Art by Roppuri
A Don't Matter Media Production
www.RussellGetsRevenge.com
facebook.com/RussellGetsRevenge
twitter: @getsrevenge
instagram: @russellgetsrevenge
TERRY
Hello again. My name is Terry Van der Horst and this is Russell Gets Revenge. The audio record of my friend, Russell Mannheim and his quest for vengeance.
[THEME MUSIC]
TERRY
Russell Gets Revenge. An eight episode series about justice, revenge, and jalapeno poppers. Written and created by Peter Hoffman Kimball. Produced by Josh Callahan and Peter Hoffman Kimball. As a content warning, this series does deal with issues of death, grief, and violence.
[THEME MUSIC]
TERRY
Hello again. My name is Terry Van der Horst and this is Russell Gets Revenge. The audio record of my friend, Russell Mannheim and his quest for vengeance.
[THEME MUSIC]
TERRY
Russell Gets Revenge. An eight episode series about justice, revenge, and jalapeno poppers. Written and created by Peter Hoffman Kimball. Produced by Josh Callahan and Peter Hoffman Kimball. As a content warning, this series does deal with issues of death, grief, and violence.
[THEME MUSIC]
TERRY
When last we left Russell, he had just hired, Chuck, the private eye, to hunt down the killer: Marko Pavikevik, Macedonian fake news website creator and occasional burglar, one time murderer.
PRIVATE EYE
Yeah, I was able to find him pretty quick.
TERRY
What? Really?
PRIVATE EYE
Well, the general area. We know he's in Germany still and I just found out what city he's in.
TERRY
That's amazing.
PRIVATE EYE
Yeah, let me look up my notes. Let me see. He's in a city called...
(rustles papers)
Munich.
TERRY
I've heard of it.
PRIVATE EYE
Yeah, that I could find with just some simple internet sleuthing. For a more specific address, though, I had to take a whole team to Germany.
TERRY
Really?
PRIVATE EYE
Oh yeah. A mix of German speakers, Macedonian speakers. Sent them scouring the city, going to kebab shops, internet cafes, burek shops.
TERRY
Burek?
PRIVATE EYE
You don't know burek? Seriously? Oh, I mean, it's just this delicious, uh - like a flaky dough stuffed with cheese or meat and it's just, mmm, I mean it's just like heaven in a little Yugoslavian pastry.
TERRY
Oh ok. But you really sent a whole team to find him? That's a huge undertaking.
PRIVATE EYE
I don't have a team of Macedonian speakers. Are you kidding me? I found a Munich Buy & Trade group on Facebook.
TERRY
Oh. So that was a joke?
PRIVATE EYE
Indeed.
You didn't send a team?
PRIVATE EYE
A team of Macedonian speakers? Where would I have put that together? With what money? What are you thinking?
TERRY
I don't know. You seem resourceful.
PRIVATE EYE
Yeah, you better believe it. I'm the most resourceful private eye out there. And that's why I knew to check out Facebook.
TERRY
That simple.
PRIVATE EYE
He posted he was selling an old pair of roller blades and put his building address on the post.
TERRY
Oh. Ok, yeah, I guess that is easier.
PRIVATE EYE
Indeed. Now, he said they were in "like new" condition, which I find hard to believe. Either they're brand new or they're used. Ain't nothing "like new".
TERRY
Ok sure.
PRIVATE EYE
Anyway, it is a shame it was so easy, though. 'Cause I was really looking forward to that burek.
RUSSELL
Yeah, when he told me he found him I was over the moon. I mean, I have an address, I have a target, I have a place to go, a very specific place to go where I can just fix everything.
TERRY
That's what it felt like?
RUSSELL
Honestly, I thought the finding him part would be harder.
TERRY
Right.
RUSSELL
Like, I kind of figured I'd have a longer time to work through all my feelings. You know, gradually work up to the idea of killing a man.
TERRY
But you found him too quick.
RUSSELL
It took me longer to find the private eye than it took him to find the guy.
TERRY
He's very resourceful.
RUSSELL
I guess so.
TERRY
So what's the next step?
RUSSELL
Well, I've gotta get some plane tickets, plan the trip, and sort all that out.
TERRY
Right. Kayak.com kind of stuff.
RUSSELL
Exactly. Kayak. Or Expedia. I don't know. Google Flights I guess. I'll check out a few, see if there's any big differences.
TERRY
Skyscanner can be good too. Especially flying international.
RUSSELL
Oh I don't know that one. What was it? Skyscanner? Yeah, I'll check that out. And then I also have to figure out the best way to actually kill him.
TERRY
I don't think Skyscanner does that.
RUSSELL
Oh. Yeah, well, Kayak doesn't either. But I've got some ideas.
TERRY
Sure. Outside the box kinds of ideas?
RUSSELL
Well, no. Guns. Guns was my idea.
TERRY
Ahh.
PRIVATE EYE
I showed Russell a wide array of weapons. Glocks, Berettas, Smith and Wesson.
TERRY
Right.
PRIVATE EYE
Springfields, Browning, Sig Sauer, Walther, Heckler and Koch, Ruger.
TERRY
Got it. I got it. You showed him a lot.
PRIVATE EYE
And that's just the handguns. I also showed him a sawed off shotgun, a longbarrel shotgun, an AK-47, an M-4, and a .44 magnum Dirty Harry hand cannon.
TERRY
The works!
PRIVATE EYE
You want to see?
TERRY
What? You have them all here with you?
PRIVATE EYE
In the trunk of my car. Come on, let's go check them out.
EXT. PRIVATE EYE'S CAR - DAY
THE PRIVATE EYE OPENS THE TRUNK.
PRIVATE EYE
Let's see what kind of fun surprises we have in here... Oh.
TERRY
There's nothing but a stuffed animal. And some jumper cables.
PRIVATE EYE
I forgot, I left all the weapons back at the office. Sorry about that.
TERRY
No worries. But - and please pardon the question - why the teddy bear?
PRIVATE EYE
Oh yeah, my sister just had a baby. And after this I'm going to go meet her for the first time.
TERRY
Wow. Congratulations.
PRIVATE EYE
Thanks! Oh yeah... I remember now. I was thinking it probably wasn't the best idea to bring a trunk full of firearms to the hospital.
TERRY
Sure.
PRIVATE EYE
Annabell Louise.
TERRY
What?
PRIVATE EYE
That's her name. My niece. Seven pounds nine ounces.
TERRY
That's... Yeah, that seems normal.
PRIVATE EYE
I just can't wait to meet her. You know, seeing a new baby and all the love her parents have for her. All that innocence and perfect promise. It just restores your faith in humanity, you know?
TERRY
Sure. Of course.
PRIVATE EYE
But anyway, yeah I wanted to make sure Russell had all the options possible to kill that bastard dead.
AD BREAK
TERRY
So with all the gun options in the world available to him, what did Russell choose?
PRIVATE EYE
Well, yeah, I had him pretty convinced on the Sig Sauer, but then we discovered that you can't really take it international.
RUSSELL
Yeah, I mean that's very annoying, don't you think? Why even own a gun if you can't fly to another country and kill someone with it?
TERRY
For sure. That sounds like a real drag.
RUSSELL
I mean, I get the idea that in most cases you don't want someone coming to your country just to kill someone. But they can't make an exception here?
TERRY
So puritanical.
RUSSELL
Seriously!
TERRY
But what about buying a gun there?
RUSSELL
That's what I was thinking. Do the research here then buy it there. Right? Just like you go to Best Buy, check out the electronics, and then buy it from Amazon later anyway. Brilliant, right?
INT. NICK & MURIEL'S - DAY
NICK
But it's basically impossible to buy a gun in Germany.
TERRY
This is Nick and Muriel, Russell's good friends who first suggested the ill-fated vacation to Germany.
MURIEL
And what a better world it is, don't you think? Without guns?
NICK
I mean, I know gun control is a complicated issue and the second amendment and all.
MURIEL
But they don't even have to worry about that over there. There's virtually no violent crime.
NICK
That's not quite true.
MURIEL
Don't contradict me.
NICK
It's not quite true. It's still mostly true. It's definitely much more difficult to get a gun over there.
MURIEL
Fine.
TERRY
It turns out, to get a gun in Germany you have to be a member of an established shooting club. For a minimum of twelve months. And as part of that you have to take eighteen practice sessions with rental guns at that club, and then you have to pass a governmental exam on firearms knowledge.
MURIEL
It's even harder than getting a driver's license!
NICK
And that's saying something!
MURIEL
That's why I said it.
NICK
I mean, do you know how hard it is to get a driver's license there?
MURIEL
In Germany, teenagers will do whole study abroad years in America, just so they can get an American driver's license.
NICK
Crazy, right?
TERRY
It is crazy. But not super relevant.
NICK
Right, the guns. I mean, maybe they have an exception for purchasing a gun for revenge-related reasons. But I've never heard of it.
RUSSELL DIALS THE PHONE.
TERRY
So Russell took it upon himself to look into an alternative.
RUSSELL
(to Terry)
I'm on the phone with a gun shop in Munich. They just went to get the manager who speaks English.
(on phone)
Hello? Yes, thank you. This is Munich Rifle and Gun store?
(to Terry)
I always like to speak kind of half broken English to foreigners because it kind of puts us on more even playing ground.
(on phone)
Yes, thank you. I'm coming to Germany, to Munich in two weeks and I need to buy a gun as soon as I get there... Yes, I understand there are licensing requirements, join a shooting club, uh huh. But is that kind of a formality? Do we really have to do that or... Oh we definitely do? Ok. Now, could I do that in advance? Like right now?... Oh no? I need to be there in person? But I really need the gun as soon as I get to Germany. Like right away... Hm, really? No? Ok. Well, the thing is, like I don't really need it long term. I just need it for a specific - um, hang on. Here's another idea: do you have rental guns?... Right, but that I could take away from the club, use, and then return?... I mean, not rent by the hour but by the day? Like, just for one quick thing I need to do. Unless you do rent it out by the hour... Oh you don't do that at all?
TERRY
You gotta cut it out.
RUSSELL
(on phone)
No, I see. And there's no way, I mean, going out on a limb here, but, what was your name? No, your name. Ernst? Arnst? Airnst? Look, Airnst, my man, there's no way you'd lend me your own personal gun, would you?... No, I'm not doing anything illegal? Why would you ask-- oh, yeah, oh, I see how that would sound... Why do I need the gun anyway? What do you mean? I don't think you understand. I'm American. Hello? Hello?
TERRY
Didn't work?
RUSSELL
I think something was lost in the translation.
TERRY (STUDIO)
So, with guns off the table, Russell had to find something else.
RUSSELL
I've been trying out everything. Knives, hammers, garrote wire.
TERRY
What do you mean, trying out?
RUSSELL
I put out a Craigslist ad and lured unsuspecting drifters to my apartment.
TERRY
Wait, what?
RUSSELL
No! I tried it out on watermelons. You know, the knives, hammers. Like Gallagher.
TERRY
That sounds better.
RUSSELL
I liked the wire the best. It's fast, it's clean.
TERRY
Perfect.
RUSSELL
And with the watermelon, the best part is, you can snack while you go.
TERRY (STUDIO)
So now, Russell had found the location of the killer and had the means to do it.
RUSSELL
So now I needed to figure out how I'm going to get away with it.
AD BREAK
TERRY (STUDIO)
Having found the murderer and put together a plan to kill him, the only thing left for Russell was to figure out what to do after. Here's his brother, Kevin.
KEVIN
I hope, once he does it, that he just comes back home. Comes back, leaves all of that behind in Europe, and moves on with life.
INT. NICK & MURIEL'S - DAY
NICK
I suggested the Caribbean. He'd be safe from any legal investigation, he could enjoy the warm beaches, turquoise sand.
MURIEL
But a lot of those islands have far worse crime than what you have even here in the States.
NICK
That's true.
MURIEL
Frankly, he'd be better off staying in Western Europe. So civilized, so clean. So safe.
NICK
Well, his wife was killed.
MURIEL
Ok sure. But it's not like she could be killed again.
NICK
True. Fair enough. But I do worry that if he stayed in Europe, there's a good chance, he'd be wanted for murder himself.
MURIEL
Oh, right. I didn't think of that. Yeah, honey, you're right. I've heard great things about Aruba.
TERRY (STUDIO)
Here's Sharon, the sister of Russell's late wife, weighing in.
TERRY
What do you think Russell should do after he gets his revenge?
SHARON
That's supposing he actually goes through with it.
TERRY
You don't think he will?
SHARON
Or even if he does, that he'll survive. And that if he does survive, that he isn't just immediately caught by the police.
TERRY
So you're saying you don't have a lot of confidence in him.
SHARON
Look, I think Russell's a great guy and I think he can accomplish all sorts of things if he puts his mind to it. But killing a man and getting away with it?
TERRY
You don't think so?
SHARON
This whole plan is ridiculous. How does he think he could possibly get away with it?
DAVID ZANDY
It's not hard at all, as long as he A. doesn't get caught or killed while doing it and B. gets rid of the body. You know?
TERRY (STUDIO)
This is David Zandy, Russell's high school friend and local weirdo.
DAVID ZANDY
Like, he's gotta find a good quarry, like, well I don't know if they have quarries in Germany but in Virginia we've got a butt-ton of quarries and you can dump whatever kind of nonsense you want in them. Like old TVs, mattresses, car batteries, it doesn't matter.
TERRY
I really don't think you're supposed to dump batteries and mattresses.
DAVID ZANDY
And you're definitely not supposed to dump dead bodies. But if you've got to, then you've got to.
TERRY
Alright.
DAVID ZANDY
So, like, yeah, you find one of those quarries, if they've got them in Germany - I mean, I don't think you want to try flying back home with the body and then dump it in the quarry. That would just be crazy.
TERRY
It would literally be insane.
DAVID ZANDY
But you find a quarry and then you just dump the body. I mean, first you gotta cut it up and put the pieces into a couple trash bags of course.
TERRY
Of course.
DAVID ZANDY
And then you add in a few rocks or bricks to weigh them down. But that stuff's basically free. I mean, you do this right, the whole thing only costs you like ten bucks for the plastic bags. And that's if they're not on sale.
RUSSELL
I'm not going to chop up the body. Or bury it in a shallow grave in the forest or anything like that. I'm just going to do it, watch him die, and then walk away.
TERRY
And you don't care about getting caught?
RUSSELL
I don't think I'm going to get caught. And, also, I mean, I think this bears saying, I look pretty German. No offense. But I do.
TERRY (STUDIO)
He does.
RUSSELL
So, I mean, it's not like if someone sees me they're going to be telling the police "Oh the American did it, the American did it". They'll just think it was some random German dude. In Germany. I'll be fine.
TERRY
As long as you don't say anything.
RUSSELL
I mean, I'm not going to kill him in front of a group of people. Like, yes, I'm going to say something to him, but no one else is going to hear that. And then I'll keep my mouth shut as I walk away. I'm not going to be all,
(Southern accent)
"Hey, y'all, how does a feller like me get to the airport? And can you show me where to wash all this blood of my hands too?"
TERRY
And you think you can get out of the country?
RUSSELL
They're not going to shut down the airports because some loser criminal got what was coming to him. And then once I'm back in the US, I'm safe. Even if the Germans ever did trace it back to me, the US would never extradite one of its own citizens.
TERRY
Is that true?
RUSSELL
I mean, isn't it?
TERRY (STUDIO)
So I asked Russell's lawyer friend, Sebastian.
SEBASTIAN
It's absolutely not true. For a crime like murder - which this would be - again revenge is a motive not an excuse. As I've told Russell. But in a case like this, if Germany wanted him for a crime that's also a crime in the US and it's not a political crime or a particularly high profile situation, then yes, the US would absolutely extradite him.
TERRY
So that's pretty rough for Russell.
SEBASTIAN
Yeah, although, I mean, in practice, it's not the craziest idea.
TERRY
What? It's not?
SEBASTIAN
Again, this is all purely hypothetical and I have no reason to believe that Russell is doing anything other than performing an elaborate prank and that this recording is all part of some fictional project. But, in practice, it's extremely unlikely he would ever get sent back to Germany.
TERRY
Because the US would protect him?
SEBASTIAN
Oh heavens no. But because the Germans would never find him. I mean, if he gets away with it in the moment and immediately leaves the country, police aren't trained to suspect a vengeful widower flying in from across the ocean. They're trained to look at the people close to the victim. Significant others, neighbors, roommates, people who owed them money or to whom they owed money. That's who kills people.
TERRY
So he'd just get off scot-free?
SEBASTIAN
In practice, yes, it's hard to see that the police would - well, I suppose they would have the records of the arrest relating to Carrie's death and they so, yes, they might theoretically suspect Russell, down the road. But they probably wouldn't get that far. They wouldn't care enough to do that level of investigating. And even if they did reach out to him, he doesn't have to talk to the German police just because they call him. So, yeah, in practice, in this theoretical, highly hypothetical fictional situation, yes. He would get away with it. As long as he doesn't get caught immediately.
TERRY (STUDIO)
So on that note, join us next week as we find out whether Russell can actually go through with it. And if he does - can he get away? See you again on Russell Gets Revenge.